The Art of Letting Go
by Sandylee007
Summary: Morgan and Reid are headed towards a long overdue date. Derek is having severe difficulties with keeping himself in line. SLASH ONESHOT


A/N: (chuckles) Dang, these plotbunnies are jumping all over the place! But I just couldn't contain this one. (smirks sheepishly)

WARNINGS: SLASH, some harsh words… Hey, a remarkably short list for one of my stories!

DISCLAIMER: One look at my bank account, and you wouldn't even have to ask me. (pouts) 'Doesn't stop me from dreaming, though…

Awkay, because it doesn't get any easier with stalling… (takes a deep breath) Let's rock! I really hope you'll enjoy the ride.

* * *

><p>'<em>When love is not madness, it is not love.<em>'

(Pedro Calderon de la Barca)

* * *

><p><em><strong>The Art of Letting Go<strong>_

* * *

><p>Derek Morgan didn't have the slightest idea of how long he'd been sitting in his car, deep in thought, until the sound of a door opening startled him out of his stupor.<p>

It surprised him, really. Derek was _not_ the type to be ambushed easily.

He had to compose himself for a second until he managed to turn his gaze towards the person who was currently sliding to the passenger seat of the car. His heart skipped a beat at the sight that met him.

Spencer Reid was undeniably attractive – any fool could see that. But that evening… the genius was something beyond that. Spencer's hair was done differently from usual, ruffled until they formed a teasing, perfectly messy final product. The black pants and deep-purple shaded, long sleeved shirt the brunet was wearing complimented him, made the man's skinny form look slightly more healthy. Two upper buttons of the shirt were open, revealing just enough of milky white skin to make Derek feel uneasy in his own skin. This new look was _perfect_. But what truly got under Derek's skin were Spencer's eyes.

There were no shadows and pain in them. This winter evening, with snow falling softly everywhere around them, Spencer's eyes were finally _smiling_.

And Derek was powerless to keep himself from responding. "I thought you'd chickened out", he noted while starting the car.

"Sorry." A hint of a blush could be seen on Spencer's face while the man moved one strayed strand of hair behind his ear. "Garcia… wanted to do a complete makeover. I don't think anyone's ever fussed around me like that."

The tremor that went through Derek wasn't as harmless as he would've hoped, and he had to focus hard on keeping an eye on the road to keep himself in line. "Well, she wanted tonight to be perfect for you. I mean…" He swallowed thickly, trying to get rid of the tiny lump that'd appeared out of nowhere. He'd never experienced anything like this, and it was scaring him. "This… is a special occasion."

Spencer's eyes softened while the younger man focused on the landscape flashing by. "Yeah. I know." Anyone could tell that there was worry, perhaps even some fear, on the brunet's face as the man's brain, without a doubt, created a million horrifying scenarios.

For a single, overwhelmingly powerful moment Derek felt this suffocating need to take Spencer's hand and give it a squeeze, to provide at least some sort of comfort. Instead, however, he squeezed the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles turned white. "It's going to go just fine, you know? So stop looking like a deer in the headlights."

Spencer looked at him and smiled faintly. "I wish I had even one tenth of your confidence. You make all this…" The man gestured animatedly with his hands. "… _dating stuff_ sound so easy. To me it sounds and feels like something from another universe." The genius wrinkled his nose with distaste. "I can't rationalize it, or make any calculations. I don't even have a lot of facts."

Derek rolled his eyes, unable to keep a yet another smile from showing. It was unbelievable how happy and light Spencer managed to make him feel, even tonight. "Stop making everything sound so complicated, will you? This isn't a science project, but that doesn't mean you couldn't enjoy it as much." And then, before he managed to bite his tongue, his mouth chose to go on. "Besides… Anyone would be an idiot not to fall in love with you on the spot."

Spencer looked at him with shock-filled eyes, and for a moment of sheer panic Derek wondered if he'd made a royal slip-up. But then a thin, brave smile appeared to the brunet's face. Somehow it answered far more clearly than any words could've.

It was around then Derek realized that he was losing the control over his hands as well. His fingers twitched with overpowering desire to touch Spencer's face, and his body ached with need to lean closer to the genius.

But it was too late – had been from the moment a very anxious Spencer asked him for a ride when his own car broke down the morning of his long awaited date.

Derek parked by a fancy looking restaurant although it was the last thing he wanted to do, even managed to give Spencer a feeble, somewhat hollow smile. "Good luck, kid. Go and charm him." He prayed from the depths of his heart and soul that the genius wouldn't notice everything his constantly weaking mask was trying to keep sealed out of sight.

And mercifully Spencer didn't notice. Instead the brunet flashed him one of those smiles that made his heart nearly burst, and fidgeted slightly before emerging from the vehicle. "Thanks, for the ride." The genius gave him a wave of hand. "See you tomorrow."

Derek opened his mouth, but all of a sudden couldn't squeeze out more than "Yeah, see you tomorrow." And then Spencer was far out of his reach. Suddenly the car felt much colder than any day of winter.

Derek knew that the wisest thing to do would've been to leave as fast as he could, but for some reason his body refused to function properly. And that's why he was stuck on watching the scene unfolding although it tore his heart to shreads.

There was a entirely different smile on Spencer's lips, such that made the brunet's face glow, as the man walked towards the person waiting for him. The date – a man of Derek's age with long-grown, dark brown hair that'd been pulled to a careless ponytail and laughing chestnut colored eyes – immediately smiled back and didn't hesitate to run his hand down Spencer's cheek. Derek couldn't tell if the blush on Spencer's face was caused by the physical contact or whatever the other man whispered, but it made him feel cold over all the same.

Derek, much to his dismay, knew the stranger. He was professor Curtis Jackson, who'd moved from England to United States five years earlier. They'd met Curtis on a case almost a year earlier, and the man had spent quite a while working and talking with Spencer. It didn't take long before the entire team had been able to distinguish clear signs of mutual infatuation. It had, however, taken quite a while before the man had managed to persuade Spencer into going out with him. During the long battle of wills Curtis had sent Spencer a love e-mail every day, along with a single flower. In the end Spencer had given in a week ago, as he'd claimed with a radiant blush 'Because he didn't want a flower shop into his living room'. Derek wished he'd been selfless enough to be relieved when Aaron Hotchner's background check – which had, of course, been done firmly behind Spencer's back as soon as they heard of the approaching date – had proved the professor clear of all warning signs. The man was perfect, apart from the nasty habit of smoking. Perfect for Spencer. And Derek had no idea how he was able to handle that thought.

Derek was beyond relieved when Spencer, apparently, refused to kiss in public, and the couple disappeared to the restaurant instead. Cold numbness Derek had grown used to long ago filled him once again when Spencer disappeared from his sight.

Derek squeezed the steering wheel far harder than should've been humanly possible, so hard that it was a miracle no bones were fractured. It took absolutely all he had to keep the threatening tears at bay, to keep himself from crumbling down completely under the weight sitting on his shoulders and chest.

He wanted to jump out of the car and scream, howl out all those words that were burning and sizzling in his aching mouth. But he'd already kept those words locked inside for too long; over the years they'd grown to such magnitude that they'd bring unrepairable damage if he'd ever let them fall. And he didn't think he'd be able to live with himself if he'd cause such devastation, if he'd be able to live without what he'd without a doubt lose.

The world was a unfair place – he'd learned that when he was just a child. But _he_ didn't have to be. He had the fucking freedom of choice.

He didn't want two people to be miserable and painfully uncomfortable instead of one.

And that's why, instead of running after what he would've wanted from the bottom of his heart – so much it _hurt_ – he started his car and put in on reverse, then sped towards the opposite direction.

Heaven knows Derek wasn't a coward, but he loved Spencer enough to run away, to chase away all those stupid 'what ifs' and 'could've beens'. He loved Spencer enough to endure a yet another night of secret dreams.

Now he'd just have to learn how to live with that decision.

* * *

><p>'<em>Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest.<em>'

(Author Unknown)

* * *

><p><em><strong>End.<strong>_

* * *

><p>AN: Agh, poor Derek! (winces) Love REALLY bites sometimes.

Soooo… Was the verdict – hot, luke warm, ice cold…? PLEASE, leave a review to let me know! Awww, c'mon – by now you've gotta know I love your notes to bits. (gives a kitty's irresistible eyes)

Thank you so much for reading! 'Hope I'll be seeing ya around.

Take care!


End file.
